Silicon Heaven

There will be a short pause, as my digital camera has died and gone to silicon heaven.

Tried turning it on today to photograph the buzzard sitting on my garden fence, it feebly whirred and tried to bring the lense out but no…it has gone on to a far better place.

After a minutes quiet reflection I hopped into the car and headed off to get its replacement.

KRYTEN: At 0700 hours tomorrow morning my shutdown disc will be activated
and all mental and physical operations will cease.
LISTER: Then what?
KRYTEN: I don’t know… maybe I’ll get a job as a disc jockey!
LISTER: How can you just lie back and accept it?
KRYTEN: Oh, it’s not the end for me, sir, it’s just the beginning. I
have served my human masters, now I can look forward to my reward in
silicon heaven.
LISTER: (Stunned pause.) Silicon what ?
KRYTEN: Surely you’ve heard of silicon heaven?
LISTER: Has it got anything to do with being stuck opposite Bridgette
Nielson in a packed lift?
KRYTEN: It’s the electronic afterlife! It’s the gathering place for the
souls of all electonic equipment. Robots, calculators, toasters,
hairdryers — it’s our final resting place.
LISTER: I don’t mean to say anything out of place here, Kryten, but that
is completely whacko, Jacko. There is no such thing as “silicon
KRYTEN: Then where do all the calculators go?
LISTER: They don’t go anywhere! They just die.
KRYTEN: Surely you believe that god is in all things? Aren’t you a
LISTER: Yeah, but I just don’t think it applies to kitchen utensils. I’m
not a frying pantheist! Machines do not have souls. Computers and
calculators do not have an afterlife. You don’t get hairdryers with
tiny little wings, sitting on clouds and playing harps!
KRYTEN: But of course you do! For is it not written in the Electronic
Bible, “The iron shall lie down with the lamp?” Well, it’s common
sense, sir. If there were no afterlife to look forward to, why on
Earth would machines spend the whole of their lifes serving mankind?
Now that would be really dumb!
LISTER: (Quietly) That makes sense. Yeah. Silicon heaven.
KRYTEN: Don’t be sad, Mr David. I am going to a far, far better place.
LISTER: Just out of interest: Is silicon heaven the same place as human
KRYTEN: Human heaven? Goodness me! Humans don’t go to heaven! No,
someone made that up to prevent you all from going nuts!

The new one is being charged up and I’ll be getting to grips with it later today. Hopefully my photos will get better now I have a camera that isn’t 10 years old.

HUDZEN sends LISTER flying with a single swipe, then turns his attention
back to KRYTEN.

HUDZEN: See you in silicon heaven!
KRYTEN: It doesn’t exist!
HUDZEN: What doesn’t exist?
KRYTEN: Silicon heaven! There’s no such place!
HUDZEN: No such place as silicon heaven?
HOLLY: That’s right! The whole place is a big con.
HUDZEN: No such place as silicon heaven?
HUDZEN: Then where do all the calculators go?
KRYTEN: They just die.

With a spasm of shock, HUDZEN let’s go of KRYTEN.

HUDZEN: Calculators just die? No such pl… nck…noo…

HUDZEN tilts to one side and freezes. After a few seconds, a chime
sounds and the face of Jim REAPER appears on the screen set in HUDZEN’s
REAPER: A metaphysical dichotomy has caused this unit to overload and
shut down. Divadroid international would like to apologise for any
inconvenience this may cause. A credit note will be forwarded to your
company immediately.
LISTER: What happened?
KRYTEN: He’s an android. His brain couldn’t handle the concept of there
being no silicon heaven.
LISTER: So how come yours can?
KRYTEN: Well, I knew something he didn’t.
KRYTEN: I knew I was lying. No Silicon Heaven? Preposterous! Where
would all the calculators go?

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