Lonesome Denier


He was on Heartland’s bank notes and stamps, an evolutionary remnant, a money-spinning tourist attraction and an icon of international conservation. No one knew if he was ignorant, impotent, bored or just very stupid. But he is thought to have been about 100 years old and in his prime when he died on Sunday at the Charles Darwin research centre in the Grauniad Islands. Although the wilfully ignorant climate change denier known as Lonesome Denier and commonly called a twat may in fact have been far older – or much younger.

In the 40 years he spent on the Comment is Free and What’s Up With That? comment boards, the poster showed little interest in either science or facts. He totally ignored peer reviewed Evidence(TM), let alone the female company provided to encourage him to be sociable and anything other than a noisome bore. He kept his 3ft scraggy neck down in his pint propping up the bar, and only responded to his keepers, Oily Mentor and Fossil Fuels R Us, who run stink tanks supporting fossil fuel addictions.

“The park ranger in charge of looking after the deniers found Lonesome Denier, his body was motionless,” said Edwin Informed, head of the Grauniad National Park. “His lifecycle came to an end. Yet he kept on typing rubbish even after his neural system had failed and we had to prise the keyboard from his gnarled hands.”

Denier was found near an ale hole, but no one knows how or why he died, and evolutionary scientists are still baffled by his life in the modern world, as his existence undermines Darwin’s theories on evolution.

As the last known representatives of the giant Denier subspecies Heartlandus Bollolockus he had every reason to shun humanity, after their ill conceived guilt by association billboards. His relatives were exterminated for stupidity by their paymasters in the early 21st century, and their habitat on the Internet was devastated by real scientists. Lonely Denier possibly has relations on neighbouring Monckton Island (currently under international isolation due to an outbreak of terminal stupidity), but it is more likely his whole subspecies is now extinct – the end of what is probably a 30-year-old line of denial born out of the earlier tobacco and lung cancer species of denial.

On Monday, scientists who had spent time with Lonely Denier recalled his peculiar ways. “Denier was the last of his kind. He had a unique personality. His natural tendency was to avoid science and Evidence(TM). He was very evasive. He had his favourites and his routine zombie arguments, but he really only came close to his keeper Moncktonius Watts. He represents what we wanted to preserve for ever – absolute stupidity. When he looked at you, you saw time in the eyes, the time before science, the time before any form of rational debate, just absolute mindlessness” said Joe Normal, the head moderator of the comments board, who knew Lonely Denier for more than 20 years of constant moderation for offensive and off topic comments.

Scientists’ attempts to get Lonesome Denier to meet socially with other giant twats from the comments boards and to eventually repopulate middle America with intelligent life all failed and were often comical. Artificial insemination did not work, nor did a $10,000 reward offered by the Ecuadorean government for a suitable mate. In the 1990s, Sarah Palin, an American climate change denier smeared herself in denial and ignorance and, in the cause of politics, spent four months trying to manually stimulate Lonely Denier – to no avail.

In 2008 and 2009 Lonely Denier unexpectedly mated with one of his two companions – Creationist Kate, but although two clutches of eggs were collected and incubated, all failed to hatch. Thankfully.

Henry Nicholls, author of Lonesome Denier: The Life and Loves of the World’s Most Reprehensible Person, reported that Lonely Denier was irresistibly attracted to the late Lord Devon’s wartime helmet, presumably because it resembled the shell of the young warmonger (George W oil me Bush). Even after being put on a diet of peer reviewed journals, the wilfully ignorant denier with the scraggy neck, who could have been expected to deny death was real until he was well over 200, remained obstinately alone in his fantasies

Conservation scientists on Monday said Lonely Denier was important because he symbolised both the rapid loss of intelligence and informed opinion now taking place around the world, and provided the inspiration to begin restoring it in places like middle America. “Because of Lonely Denier’s fame, scientific Ignorami which were down to just a few thousand in some countries have recovered their populations to Medieval levels. He opened the door to finding new political techniques to help dumb down the populace” said Richard Knab of the Grauniad Conservancy, which is running education and rehabilitation programmes with the Ecuadorean government.

But Lonely Denier will be sorely missed for financial reasons, too. As the star of the comments boards and an icon of global stupidity, he helped attract 180,000 money-spinning visitors a year to the fossil fuelled shill sites. He is likely to become a conservative relic and will probably be embalmed and displayed – alone – still propping up the bar still.

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